Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
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Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
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I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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