I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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