Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
