You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
