You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
