dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
