so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you have to choose: penises or morals?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
