She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
