This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
