I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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