Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
