Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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