he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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