she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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