when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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