My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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