My boss' voice literally gives me gas
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
