ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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