he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.