bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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