when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
