When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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