and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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