she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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