I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
