the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
well you can't waste a boner
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
