I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
