If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
