I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
