forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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