then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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