forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
