Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
