just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
