dude i'm inner monologue high
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
