My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
