I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
