a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
