Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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