Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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