Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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