my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
