Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
