I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
