Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
The feeling are messing with the penis
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
