Can Purell be used as lube?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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