Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
