apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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