Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
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She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
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I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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