Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
