Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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