Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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