I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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