i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.