Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
