I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
