well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
