Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
