I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
