Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
