He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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