What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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