Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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